A humiliation here; a public tongue-lashing there; a put-down that makes everyone at the dinner table uncomfortable. These are but of few of the types of verbal abuse to which people--mostly women--are subjected daily. Some forms of verbal abuse are blatant; many more are so insidious that victims have no idea when they've become desensitized to belittling and insults. To turn the tide, victims must learn why they are willing to be treated in ways that would send other people racing in the opposite direction. Learn some tips for protecting yourself, and you'll become empowered to end the cycle.
Instructions
1. Understand that insecure people who must control others use verbal abuse to attain their goal. So one of the best ways of responding to verbal abuse is by refusing to allow an abuser to find fault with you. When fault-finding becomes pervasive, refuse to go along with the accusations by standing your ground.
2. Be aware that the most manipulative verbal abusers are successful because they sandwich rebuke between "normal"--if not loving--language. Your best response to situations in which an abuser is sweet one minute and abusive the next is to tell him that his mood swings are unacceptable, then walk away each time he acts out.
3. Take a break from the abusive relationship to get some respite and distance between the two of you. No verbal abuse can take place in a relationship unless both parties participate. That said, accept the fact that, if only one person gets help, there is little chance the relationship can become one that respects healthy exchanges.
4. Learn to distinguish between specific types of verbal abuse to formulate specific responses. Among the most common are name-calling; put-downs; coercive threats; criticism packaged as "constructive" or doled out "for your own good"; and shaming actions that mock and criticize in public or private. If such confrontations are taking place, the victim must set boundaries, then honor them when the name-calling begins.
5. Get victim counseling if you are being subjected to swearing, screaming or yelling that has the potential to escalate into physical injury. Be particularly observant of incidents that have no precipitating trigger. It's not normal to go from nonplussed to rage-filled in seconds. People subjected to these bursts of rage often start "walking on eggshells," staying ever-vigilant about saying or doing anything that could trigger an outburst.
6. Walk away from the relationship or consult authorities if you receive intimidating threats--even those uttered under the guise of "just kidding." If your gut says this isn't right, it's not. Intimidation is another controlling tool that, if not short-circuited immediately, can escalate to physical abuse.
7. Seek psychological help if you find yourself the ongoing object of a blame game. Control-seekers rarely see themselves as the reason things go wrong. They enjoy placing blame. In extreme cases, victims become conditioned to accept the blame, even as they intellectually understand that they were not the cause of the issue.
8. Develop a strong inner circle or support group and let them help you regain the power you once held. Turn to them for support if you find that your feelings are summarily dismissed as unimportant, selfish, self-serving or petty when you attempt to share them. Pick allies who will validate your self-worth and, over time, help you overcome your penchant for getting into relationships with verbal abusers.
9. Abandon a relationship once and for all if you follow all of the aforementioned suggestions and nothing changes. But before you leave, formulate an action plan. Hide some cash, find a safe house and/or contact a lawyer to obtain a restraining order. Be prepared to move fast once you've confronted your abuser. It won't be easy, but freedom will allow you an opportunity to figure out why you allowed yourself to be verbally abused, so you can break the chain forever.
Tags: verbal abuse, types verbal, types verbal abuse, verbal abusers