Passive aggressive individuals may appear to be kind and loving individuals when in public and may even appear so at home, but in reality they are overburdened with so much unexpressed anger that they deliberately undermine you at every turn. They conceal their true motives with a host of clever excuses that, if genuine, would be beyond reproach. They have a well developed arsenal of techniques to shift the blame from themselves to you and may even have you convinced the fault is within yourself and not with them. If your loved one bombards you will a host of unfulfilled promises, fails to follow through with plans, and often forgets or denies ever saying he would do something, you may be living with a passive aggressive individual.
Instructions
1. Educate yourself about passive aggression. The better you understand the causes and underlying motives of the passive aggressive individual, the easier it will be to make changes. Basically, passive aggressive individuals are filled with unexpressed rage that they are unable to express in healthy ways. They may not even know they are angry. This is generally the result of an abusive childhood where they were forbidden to express anger, could not satisfy one or both parents, were controlled by the adults in their lives and given very little freedom to express their individuality. As a result, they learned to gain control by overt aggression. This aggression is hidden behind the guise or forgetting, failing to follow through with plans, procrastination or even denying that they ever agreed in the first place.
2. Refuse to take the blame for failure that is the result of the passive aggressive own behaviors. Don't second guess yourself and wonder if perhaps you misunderstood the conversation when you made plans. Anyone can misunderstand on occasion, but when it becomes a pattern of the passive aggressive suddenly not remembering the agreements you made, you can be sure it's not you who is forgetting.
3. Discuss how his behavior makes you feel. Use lots of "I" statements. Keep the focus on your feelings in response to his behaviors without attacking his character.
4. Focus on one behavior at a time. Don't overload him with a host of complaints all at once. Choose the most important behavior that is causing difficulties and focus on that.
5. Maintain privacy. Don't discuss the issues with other and don't make comments in public. Maintaining privacy will go a long way to building trust in your relationship.
6. Avoid defending your need to address the issue. Don't fall prey to his attempt to turn the tables and point out your shortcomings. He will likely use any means he can to divert the focus to you. Calmly maintain focus on the behavior that is causing the difficulty.
7. Express your love and concern for him. Believe it or not, the passive aggressive actually has a fragile ego and lacks self esteem. Be sure you are supportive of his attempts to change without taking on the responsibility for his behavior.
8. Avoid making excuses for his behavior or collaborating with him when he makes excuses. In order to change, he must realize that he is responsible for his own behavior.
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